you are devil’s foreplay

I have never been happier in my life. Thank you for that.

I have never waited so much to get to bed with you, just to snuggle.

I never thought it was possible to feel that way after all this time.

And thank you for that dance today in our bedroom. It was… Well, yeah. As you said: “I understood a long time ago that you love me very much.”

I do.

 (And actually, of course, I don’t need a blog post to say that. I just felt the need to cry that out to the world. Just to cry out how happy I am. At this moment.)

I’m fully aware that I haven’t been written in soooo long time, but it’s okay while no one ever reads this blog anyway. But it’s liberating to write anonymously and also I need to improve my English. And I have lot of things on my mind that I can’t write nowhere else but here.

Yes, of course I could write them in Word and save them and just let them sit in my computer but I love blogging and I love things published.

Since last time I wrote there have happened major stuff in my life. Oh yes, it actually is so dramatic as it sounds. First of all, I almost killed myself. Accidentally, of course, if you are willing to consider drinking wine and mixing sleeping pills with it whilst looking at your wedding album with your wedding ring on your finger “accidental”. But for me, of course, it wasn’t meant to end up in all such tragedy, me losing conciousness and waking up in the hospidal. I was just angry and tired and wanted to go to sleep and I thought, heck, of course it is a good idea to look at my wedding album.

Pff!

And I have taken so many pills over the years that I thought, well, my body can manage that and anyway, it’s all bull, what can a little wine do to you after few sleeping pills. Nothing, right?

But that’s beside the point. It was awful coincidence and I’m sure the combination wasn’t leathal (two sleeping pills and bottle of white) but it was scary as hell.

And now I have a therapist whom I visit once a month or so. And of course, after few talks he decided that indeed, I am bipolar as I was afraid, and so now I’m taking five-six pills a day for at least two years.

The upsides: I am more stable and I can sleep easily. The recovering process is still in the making but I feel better.

The downsides: as I decided to quit my job which was too stressful and find a new one I’m unemployed at the moment, which means I’m currently living on my boyfriends’ expences, with no good job prospects whatsoever. Because I’m not willing to move to the City, I’m just not. And I’m not sure how long I can manage without actually having to explain to creditors why I still haven’t paid them a dime.

The relationship? Better than ever, even after finding out that sleeping with exes was actually written down in our contract which I wasn’t fully aware. When I became aware of that I decided to revise the contract and we changed it. Now, hopefully, there are no loopholes which can strike me again so unexpectadly and now, hopefully, we have grown past this, or manage to keep growing, since it’s not an open relationship anymore. And I feel safe with him, again. Sometimes less safe, but safe nevertheless. And I feel safe with me, too. This accident didn’t affect me the ways I thought it will. I was actually kinda baffled when I discovered feeling so calm about it. I can’t stand her though, or the thought of her having his dick inside of her, but that’s besides the point. I think I’m not meant to stand thoughts like these and this is no ones fault. Maybe I’m more monogamous than I thought.

But the working situation… Or the absence of this kind of situation. It drives me crazy.

Actually, there are times when I think I will never be okay again. That this is what I deserve for being egoistic narcissist. That this is all karma finding ways to kick me in the nuts. Over and over again.

And there are times when I think that of course all will be okay. That this time is meant for me to regroup myself, to find my inner peace again, to finish my book and to start studying again. These times win. Of course, there are battles. I battle with myself every day when I wake up. I battle to open my eyes and to log myself in to my email account. I battle to open Word, to send emails, to work. I battle every time my phone rings, and I battle when it doesn’t.

And of course, there are times when battles occur in our now-safe relationship (which I’m finally managing to call relationship after all since we live together, we talk, we love, we cry, we laugh, we have sex, we argue, we hug, we fall asleep and wake up together (okay, this is an overstatement since I always sleep heavily when he wakes up and occasionally throw annoyed remarks at him as he tries to awake me) ). But these are battles we can get over, I call them “polishing off our edges” or “growing battles”.

Just yesterday we were standing on the town square, kissing, and I thought: wow. Butterflies. He still gives me butterflies.

Now that’s something.

Read and article from a magazine and found a nice thought, which by chance coincides with some vibes that have been recently in the air.

Since I don’t want to tell you which magazine it was (ask me directly), I’m very poor translater (to English) and so on, I just make you a summary.

Everything is still good, still fixable, it unites and makes it all better if you and your partner can realize that there is love underneath. When you fight about love - no, not about, but because. All fights, all problems can be resolvable, if you fight because of love, not because lack of it.

And sometimes very sadly you may even forget in anger that there is love, but if you stop, breathe and look inside you - and love is there, it’s all okay.

Important things are:
a) not to forget and therefore give up
b) that your partner also knows and aknowledges the fact
c) and that you both try to be better and smarter next time.

Yay, I just solved - thanks to that article and my own deep wisdom - all the relationship problems in the whole wide world. Hip-hip.

Lately I’ve been feeling that I’m just learning about on a big secret that all the world already knows. Except me. It’s scary and funny at the same time.

I’ve always considered myself pretty experienced in so many aspects of life. That’s why it is hard for me to confess to myself and others, that that’s so new to me. And it grinds my teeth, that whatta hell, why didn’t anybody tell me?! That there is something so magificent as love and that working relationship with someone can be so… fulfilling.

It really feels that everybody else knew and kept it from me.

So, in many levels it’s so disturbing. I hate to be the “younger” and “sillier” one. I really do. It’s always been me who leads and controls things. And now suddenly I’m not. Well, of course, I am a bit, it’s not like I’ve obeyed to slavery or anything. The feeling itself is so powerful and scary and I’m genuinely worried that I’ll lose myself. I’ve never felt like it before. It’s always been under my control and under my will.

So naturally I’m suspicious about stuff - relationship - if it makes me feel like that. If it’s so… Well, overwhelming. And, surprise-surprise! Everybody knew it should be like this and they say it’s okay. That it even has to be like that.

Well then don’t mind me asking - why the hell did you let me get married when it wasn’t like that with my life before? (Okay, I’m just being overly dramatic here, ’cause I know very well that no one couldn’t have stopped me last year if I had made up my mind already. It’s just here to prove a point.)

Of course, the thing, the main thing is that maybe I’m just really lucky. Pff, of course I am and I’m very well aware of that. Because during last few years I’ve been (if I might say so myself) happily in love twice, and it’s more than some person experiences in their lifetime. (And of course I’ve lost more in these two years that I would wish anyone.)

But it really surprises me. And sometimes I think how it was year ago, how different it was. I mean, besides everything else that was different - the feeling was so different. Not at all so overwhelming, not at all so all-powering, so all-consuming. It was a bit more all-destructing. And more… well, blind.

Still in a waiting mode. When will it wear off. Luckily I have live example that it may not wear off. (Yes, I’m talking about You, this time. I know you always think I write about you, so this time I am:) Even after three, five, eight or ten years. And if I include my late grandparents I might even make a conclusion that this feeling may not wear off even after 40 years.

But yes. I’m still waiting, in some way (I know it’s wrong, and I really don’t think or obsess about it every single minute, I swear!) for it to “blow over”, still waiting to see it’s maybe just a rebound relationship. Still waiting that maybe someone better (for him) comes along and he’ll understand that there are so many cute and interesting girls in the world who may deserve his close attention.

Okay, I have my obsessions and idèe fixe’s, yes, still. And I’m aware that they almost always sound a bit destructing, a bit schizophrenic, a bit out-of-this-world. And I’m working on them.

Yesterday i discussed with a friend of mine that I don’t know what it is with our generation (I’m not sure it’s actually a generation thing at all, but it sure seems like it). I almost know no one that likes to be simple and, most importantly, allows him- or herself to be simply happy, not dramatizing, overthinking, searching for troubles or assuming always the worst - just letting him- or herself be happy.

But it’s another topic. For now - I’m working on my ability just to be happy.

Watched Dharma & Greg. There was this episode where they went to relationship retreat. They were given two baskets. In one bastket there were stones. The other basket was empty. Their task was to put to the empty basket a “relationship stone” for every little thing that “the foundation of their relationship stands on”.

The relationship stones.

There were things like “put a stone in the basket for every common interest you have” (and oh yeah, sex doesn’t count!) or “put a stone for every petname you have for each other”.

Well, I kinda thought about it and yes - came to the obvious conclusion that we have no “stones”. (Yes I know it sounds dirty.)

If sex doesn’t count then…

We have no petnames.
We almost have no same interests. Yeah, we love to spend time together but we don’t actually share hobbies or anything. I don’t even have hobbies I’m afraid.
Sex doesn’t count.
We didn’t date and I’m afraid if we’d have, we wouldn’t have ended up together ’cause we’re too different.
I think we like… approx 1/2 of the same things. The other half - I really don’t know!

And for arguement’s sake - no, I will never have short hair, I will never wear serious military clothing (that sexy skirt that my sis has and has accidentally military pattern on it - that kind of thing is not in my mind whilst writing these lines). And military stuff humours me. A lot. Really. I think I’m not able to take it seriously. I mean… there are grown men, in uniforms, dancing, without music and screaming: “Sir, yes sir!” (equvialent of that phrase at least, seemed to me).

Oh, yes, there’s so much more in “military styff” thant all that, I know…

And yes, it makes me kinda horny when I see him serious and all that. Giving orders and wearing weird haycock on his head. (Yeah, I said haycock…) And I’m so proud of my smart geeky non-boyfriend when he gets the best exam score in his course and when he knows all that weird but cool stuff I don’t know.

But still!

But still…

Maybe it IS like L/N said… When love is gone, all you have left is a guy with all the different views to the world than you… And that’s that.

Ohwell.

Since… Well, since I do not believe in anything these days (even in that I’ll survive this freaking weekend and next week), then… I’m good to go.

As long as he takes me to gravel-pit to collect stones. After all that jibberish about “relationship stones”.

Now I have a garbage bag full of stones.

Relationship stones, if you wish.

How do you call a relationship which is actually not a relationship? Well, it IS a relationship, of course it is, you can say I have relationship with my dentist, too. But I bullheadedly refuse to call it THE relationship, because, well, yeah. Look what happened last time. And there is this little thing that we’re not supposed to even be together (as all the signs would imply if i wasn’t so in love to notice them).

I was supposed to say next: but I don’t care and he makes me happy, but I can’t, not today. Last night Shane and others managed to make me feel like crap without even realizing it. Actually, they made me confused. What am I supposed to think now? On the other hand - no one is allowed to talk crap about my man, on the other hand - i remember how bad it was in the summer when suddenly everybody came clean, telling me how Randy was wrong from the beginning and how they knew it will end soon. I hated that no one told me before. That would’ve saved so much trouble, maybe.

Of course, there is that - I probably wouldn’t have listened to them. It would’ve just confused me… Like it did now.

I actually have to ask them again, sober, what they meant, but I can’t get to work before I think this through.

Upsides:
*we do have amazing sex starting day one
*he is funny and makes me laugh (altough i suspect he often didn’t mean to be funny)
*i can completly trust him
*he is strong and handsome and I really love to be in his arms
*he makes me happy

Downsides:
*it is too soon for both of us
*he can also be very pigheaded (like me)
*he is from the city and the hell, I will never go back there

Actually, that was a bad idea. I don’t want to think of the downsides. I’m pretty down right now already. And I hurt because I put too much weight yesterday and my muscles scream at me now (went to the gym after few weeks of break).

Okay, from the beginning. First, I want him to go out and see the world. Meaning women. Because I don’t want to tie him up - I know too well that I can be a perfect girlfriend but I can also be a very shitty wife. And it may sound lame, but I really want him to make best choice for him. And I don’t think it’s me.

Yeah, very alturistic, but I think it’s only because I’m so afraid of commitment at the moment. And I’m bruised fruit - crying for my lost baby twice a week, having real hard time sleeping properly, having weird freakouts and wanting sex too much (it’s just not normal anymore! And it’s not a pseudoproblem, no, no, no). Which brings me to the question, that maybe all we have is sex and that’s it. We’re not fuckbuddys (because fuckbuddys can’t have feelings for each other), but something… like that.

Overthinking. Yes.

But still. If I learned something from my last relationship it is that I love my freedom too much to let anybody control me the way Randy wanted to (but failed, of course). And I respect other persons freedom too, hence I don’t want to tie anybody down with me. Because sooner or later I become that awful wife who says things like “MY man” and “OUR home” and “I want children, pronto!” Actually, I can see the tendency occuring already. And although I’ve decided to be that kind of girlfriend (I’m not really his girlfriend, because there is no relationship) who doesn’t ask anything when the other doesn’t want to talk, who is not jealous or dropping the we-word too much… I kinda fail at it. Because as much as I love my freedom, I want to belong more. Be someone’s enfranchised wife, I want to have children (very soon because I can feel age settling in) and I do want to get married and all that and maybe I want it so much that I’m willing to try monogamous relationship once more.

So, yeah. Confused is the word to describe my state of mind. I’ve been divorced only two months, officially. My last relationship fell to pieces a little bit more than six months ago - which, by the rules of breakup, is exactly that time I need to get over it (rule: you need half of the time of the relationship lenght to get over it). I talked to Randy few days ago and he said he is completly indifferent towards me and it blew my mind. How can he be indifferent?! But that is another subject, my point being - he is still there, in me, and he influences me whether I want that or not.

And that’s creepy. Letting someone too close to you. He already is under my skin and it scares the hell out of me. But it’s moved to fast and… lotsof that other stuff.

I really need to get to work now.

I hate the thought of imprisoning someone so much.

I can’t believe Randy can still make me so upset. I hate that. I hate that I let him and his actions influence me.

All was well. We were already talking like civilized people. All was good. We had agreements. And then he just blew them off. Like it’s nothing.

Of course, yes, I know. Like I’ve said today way too many times - I should know better by now. I shouldn’t count on him. I should always expect the worst.

And of course, I should’ve thought about it more before marrying him.

REALLY?!?!

Yeah, fuck, I know, it’s all my fault. But I really hate being angry at him. We had some good times, right? After all, I really wanted to marry him… For some time. And I wanted babies with him.

And now… Now I already want it to be over. I want that I can start wanting those things again. I mean - it’s not gone. I still would like to get married (for real this time) and I want babies more than ever (crying about it every night and a getting bit tired of it already) but. But. It’s not okay for me to want it anymore. Or at least - not yet.

That’s twisted.

I mean…

Oh, I don’t know what do I mean. It’s not like when I would start new relationship I could take those wantings and wishes with me anymore. I just can’t because - I’m probably not ready, they would say. You are rushing with this, they would say. It will break just like it broke before. It will be over, again. It’s too soon, they would also say.

Yeah. I know. Everything passes. You fall in love - it’ll pass. You’ll hurt - it will pass also. You lose a baby, divorce, find yourself homeless and financially broke as hell - it will pass, right?

Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time. I would erase last year. And then… Then I’d have a clean start again. Wouldn’t that be nice?

/

I hate being… broke. Mentally, financially, phsycally… And that is what I am right now. I fucking can’t move my head, I owe so much money that I don’t even earn that much… and all this other stuff.

I don’t know. It was easier few weeks ago. Lately it’s been… harder. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s the divorce finalizing, maybe it’s the autumn. Maybe it’s the fact I have so much work and no time at all. Maybe it’s that I try to make so brave face all the time, not letting myself act it out, let it out of my system. Being “all okay” all the time can be tiring too…

It was easy before. Why isn’t it easy anymore?

Right now it’s more important to figure out from where I’ll get that fucking hundred kroons to get back home tomorrow evening from the city?

Phuck.

My Future-Self Editor drives me crazy. Sometimes. It’s kind of paradox how I actually really enjoy talking to her. Sometimes. She IS experienced and she’s seen lots and lots of journalism-shit that I can only imagine. And professionally I do have lot to learn from her. But. BUT.

She IS almost always drunk. I knew there was a problem, but thanks to my moving to another town I see that more and more every day. She has this habit drinking in the office from coffee-cup. Of course, she doesn’t have coffee in there, I learned that the hard way (and took a sip of whiskey - which is wierd because I think she almost always drinks vodka…).

Anyway. I don’t mind her drinking if the job gets done. But there are times when it doesn’t get done. Because she’s drunk at 11 am.

She has another wierd habit - she’s awake really early. On her bad days she keeps calling me at night ’til 11 pm and starts again in the morning 8 am. I normally lay in bed til 10 am and am not ready to actually work before noon. So… it’s complicated.

Fortunately it seems she keeps forgetting that she calls and I often don’t answer.

But today is shit.

Not because of her, she’s cool. 

I managed to hurt my back yesterday during work-out (bloody gym-bastards who tamper the machines!) and today I’m totally immobile. And I mean that literally. I have to take breaks during work and go lay down in the floor for few minutes because it hurts too much to sit and type.

Called my doctor, going to see her tomorrow, because it’s not the first time my back is not okay and it keeps getting worse every time. Maybe it’s not so bad, but it can’t hurt to check it anyway.

In other news: i still have no home, but at least I’m divorced now. So no bounty-hunters* for me anymore! Yay! 

*Or whoever it is who goes around and collects money from those who have “forgot” to pay their fines and stuff. 

There are few things that really grind my teeth. Lately life’s been well, too good actually. But there are still those little things…

For example - my bus rides home. When I go to the city I am prepared for highly intensive day - and it usually rolls that way. I have to talk a lot, laugh a lot, write a lot, neverending blah blah blah ’cause everybody wants a piece of me. Waking up at 7 am is bad enough, riding two and half hours to the city, then all this… Finally, when I’m all done and I manage to escape to the bus station, I wait it like a bliss. Finally! Bus ride home, I can listen to music, shut up, switch off my phone (I hate talking in buses, it is so awkward and rude), just enjoy, relax… And then, oh, what do I see! A familiar face that doesn’t get the hint of me looking away, running to the bus, sitting down, putting my headphones on… Damned!

“Hi, is it you!? Going home? Oh, I think we share a bus!” (Translation: I can sit next to you and chat all the time.)
“Yes. Hi. Really nice to see you… But you see, I am very tired and…” (Translation: I WANT TO BE ALONE! Busride is my alone time!)
“Oh, that’s okay, I’m tired too.” (Translation ( not as you would expect: I will sleep all the way): But I will still sit next to you and yap two hours straight.)

Don’t get me wrong. I really love those people, they are nice and lovely and I do like to call them my acquaintances, but it is so hard to tell someone that you just want to be left alone for those precious two and a half hours. And I really do. Usually it’s my only alone-time I get these days. For real, I am not kidding. Fucking everybody wants a piece of me and then they are hurt when I ignore them because I just don’t have the time or the energy.

Example from life: everyone knew I had to get up 4am this morning for my other job. At this moment I have been up about 19 hours. I’m starting to lose it, but will someone let me be alone? Oh, no! I muted my phone and five minutes later (at 10 pm!!!) I noticed the red light flashing notifying that someone had tried to reach me. Okay, I thought. How bad could it be? Everyone knows I am trying to sleep by now. Right? Right?! If you wake up 4 am and have a day like I had today… you would be sleeping too, right? Right?

Wrong.

I had 6 missed calls (2 from each motherfucking person), 3 messages (2 of them yelling to me I should call - go to hell, I AM SLEEPING!!!).

Yes, I know. I have been very bad lately regarding to my cellphone. I just prefer to ignore it most of the times when I have something better to do. Like work or have personal life or work or sleep or move (my stuff from one place to another). And I mostly don’t call back. Do you get the hint? That I really wouldn’t like to talk to you?

It’s not that everybody calls me for social purposes. Like to call me out for a drink or share an occasional anecdote or two. No. They call, because they want me to do something. To be responsible, to organise, to plan, to find something out, to call someone to make them do stuff. I fucking hate that.

If I knew that you would call me not to confront me, or ask me difficult questions I do not have time to deal with at the moment; if I knew you would call me just to say hi, how are you doing… I would kindly answer. But most of the times you call me to bitch or force me to do stuff I don’t want to do (and you know as well as I know that it is not in my genetical code to say no, I am just not physically capable of doing so).

Energy vampires. Yes, that’s it. Nice persons, all in all, but sucking all the energy right away from me. I really do love you, but for Christ’s sake, let me be! Just a little bit! And please, pleeaaase consider that I do have a full time job, a part time job, very difficult personal life issues, very difficult living situation issues and I have few moments in that 24 hours that I would NOT, I repeat, NOT communicate in any way.

Not to take personally.

Sometimes, when there is too much pressure everything to be perfect - it isn’t. Actually, make that all the time. You expect that that only free night you have with yourself you go and have a bath, read some dirty magazines, drink some glasses of wine, get to bed early and have a good night’s sleep you haven’t had a log-long time… Your friends call you and you end up in suburbs in some kind of half-storeyed house, you don’t know how you got there and why there are long red ribbons tied in your hair.

It’s the same with relationships and yes, I know, who am I to talk or, yes, I know, I’m not being very original here, we’ve all seen it already in Sex & The City.

I remember that when Randy and I first hooked up we both didn’t want to have sex the first night. Yes, there was some kind of unexplainable attraction, we talked and laughed and fell in love, all in 24 hours time. I stayed over, we were too tired to get to bed and we just fell to the floor and slept there. Later, of course, we crawled into bed.

We didn’t want to sleep, just talk and kiss and watch each other in the eyes. Actually, when I think about it now, it kind of grosses me out. But I’m just being bitter here, I know.

And finally, we had sex. And yes, it was way to awkward to be… well, anything. Of course I didn’t come. How could I? He clearly didn’t know what he was doing and of course, there was this pressure: it has to be perfect!!! Because we were perfect!

And it wasn’t a very long time. I started training him and finally we got to a stage where it was fabulous. A little constrained because he was afraid to do anything wrong and I couldn’t relax because I felt like a bitch for thinking about myself too much. Yes, I’m selfish - and I told him the first night. But I can understand howcome he didn’t believe it or take it seriously before it was too late. Falling in love makes us all blind and we think we can conquer anything. Anything! Even that weird habbit eating straight from the pan.

Anyway, sex was in same stage amazing. First because I hadn’t almost never had sex with anyone I’d been in love with (and he’d be in love with me at the same time). So sex with feelings were a new thing for me.

Second because we got used to each other, felt more loose, got to know each other, it became familiar and… Very soon it became boring.

Like I said to a friend recently: that was one reason for my alcohol problems. I knew I had to have sex with my man but I really didn’t want to anymore. At the same time I really wanted a baby, so it was a pretty weird situation.

And very wrong too, as I can see now. Then I thought it was all about me, I’m being a bitch, I should try harder and everything will work out as long as I can get through with my books and everything.

Well, it didn’t. Obviously.

My point being.

It is very rare when sex ‘clicks’ the first time you two are in bed together. Usually there are some aspects that are more or less awkward, even funny. He may have obscure penis, for instance, or you may discover that your favorite position doesn’t work with him, it just slips out. It may be frustrating but usually it’s something you can get over with and almost every case can be successful if you are willing to put your mind to it. And some energy and resources also.

But then - it IS really frustrating when you know there are guys like The Man out there with whom you don’t have to work at all, it’s all perfect from first touch to morning coffee.

But yes, they are usually scumbags or taken or in a million way so wrong for you…

It’s the case of everlasting question - what is it about “bad boys” that make us want them? But that’s another story.