I’m back on the meds. It was a very tough summer and when I started to think why I got off the meds in the first place I couldn’t remember, thought it had to do something with liver and health and stuff.
Now I remembered. It was because of the Plan. The Great Plan that involved kids and home and garden and a dog and which, as it came out, faded away like all my plans always do.
It’s good to be back on the meds though, it was HORRIBLE. I haven’t had such a hard time just staying alive for a few years now and I honestly was sure I will not see this through. But I did, I had some help (not from usual sources, from a bit extraordinary source) and meds are helping.
It’s horrifying, all this illness. I make a big effort just to stay sane and often all I back get is anger and misunderstanding. It’s awful, this illness, because that leaves nothing to you - if you’re depressed, you KNOW which part is you and which is illness (the non-depressed half of course), but if NOT BEING DEPRESSED is also part of your illness… Then what’s left? Nothing, right? EVERYTHING YOU ARE IS ILLNESS.
It’s a scary thought and I try not to think about it.
But meds are good. I love my meds more than ever. They make me feel normal and I love feeling normal. Normal is good. Normal is more than good. Normal is the best.
Stay sane,
kisses,
Yours truly.
