on the verge
I’m in a really dark place right now. Really, really dark place. Searches such as this are frequently performed on my computer. Not proud of it and if some smart-ass is going to say: stop! get help!, then consider this my cry of help.
Although I know more people are reading this “secret” blog these days. Please do not take this personally. I just need to vent and perhaps leave some explanation behind.
(bad joke)
I’ve swam in the waves of Deep Depression before but for a four or five years now I’ve never thought about The S-word so seriously as these days. It’s just - walls are closing in and I don’t see ANY solution whatsoever to my (mainly financial) problems. Really, there’s no solution. None. Nada. Nul.
And this weight is suffocating me, I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t function. It’s harder and harder to hold up this face that everything’s fine. I’m okay. It’ll be okay. I’m fine.
Well, you know what - I’m really not. And there’s no one who can help me, seriously. That’s why I don’t ask for help - no one can do anything.
I have a appointment with my psych in two weeks and I really hope to last till then. But I know he can’t do much either.
The weird thing is - I’m not even crying anymore.
Have to go now, have to act Loving Girlfriend.
