you are devil’s foreplay

I felt better today. So much better that I worked 12 hours straight, answered all my phone-calls (even the one from my dad), shopped, got a bath, cooked, INTER-FUCKING-ACTED with people not actually feeling that every word is fake, that I will crush down to pieces at once.

I know that I have to go back on the pill ’cause this episode was far too much that I can handle. It was SCARY. I was actually…

And then: boom!

Sometimes I wonder who are those people close to me - the ones that are supposed to know me the best, who are supposed to know how my episodes work, how fragile I can be, how much I struggle just to put on a smiling face… They are supposed to be there, occasionally slap on my wrist if I go to far, but still - BE there.

These are the moments that are so scarily similar to the one moment on this dreadful May night two years ago. The night when I saw the one person who was the closest to me, transform into this horrific, angry, shallow, hurtful person that I didn’t even know anymore. I guess this is the one thing that has been one of my greatest concerns after that - how can I trust a person when I know that transformation from loving to i-will-burn-your-eyeballs-out, goes SNAP!, just right that?

And you can’t.

In the end it all comes down to equality. I hurt you, you hurt me. I support you, you support me. I act stupid, you act stupid. I don’t apologize, you don’t apologize. I don’t give you this thing, then you will act back and will not give me that thing.

Love. Basic transaction.

I’m in a really dark place right now. Really, really dark place. Searches such as this are frequently performed on my computer. Not proud of it and if some smart-ass is going to say: stop! get help!, then consider this my cry of help.

Although I know more people are reading this “secret” blog these days. Please do not take this personally. I just need to vent and perhaps leave some explanation behind.

(bad joke)

I’ve swam in the waves of Deep Depression before but for a four or five years now I’ve never thought about The S-word so seriously as these days. It’s just - walls are closing in and I don’t see ANY solution whatsoever to my (mainly financial) problems. Really, there’s no solution. None. Nada. Nul.

And this weight is suffocating me, I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t function. It’s harder and harder to hold up this face that everything’s fine. I’m okay. It’ll be okay. I’m fine.

Well, you know what - I’m really not. And there’s no one who can help me, seriously. That’s why I don’t ask for help - no one can do anything.

I have a appointment with my psych in two weeks and I really hope to last till then. But I know he can’t do much either.

The weird thing is - I’m not even crying anymore.

Have to go now, have to act Loving Girlfriend.