update
Yes, of course I could write them in Word and save them and just let them sit in my computer but I love blogging and I love things published.
Since last time I wrote there have happened major stuff in my life. Oh yes, it actually is so dramatic as it sounds. First of all, I almost killed myself. Accidentally, of course, if you are willing to consider drinking wine and mixing sleeping pills with it whilst looking at your wedding album with your wedding ring on your finger “accidental”. But for me, of course, it wasn’t meant to end up in all such tragedy, me losing conciousness and waking up in the hospidal. I was just angry and tired and wanted to go to sleep and I thought, heck, of course it is a good idea to look at my wedding album.
Pff!
And I have taken so many pills over the years that I thought, well, my body can manage that and anyway, it’s all bull, what can a little wine do to you after few sleeping pills. Nothing, right?
But that’s beside the point. It was awful coincidence and I’m sure the combination wasn’t leathal (two sleeping pills and bottle of white) but it was scary as hell.
And now I have a therapist whom I visit once a month or so. And of course, after few talks he decided that indeed, I am bipolar as I was afraid, and so now I’m taking five-six pills a day for at least two years.
The upsides: I am more stable and I can sleep easily. The recovering process is still in the making but I feel better.
The downsides: as I decided to quit my job which was too stressful and find a new one I’m unemployed at the moment, which means I’m currently living on my boyfriends’ expences, with no good job prospects whatsoever. Because I’m not willing to move to the City, I’m just not. And I’m not sure how long I can manage without actually having to explain to creditors why I still haven’t paid them a dime.
The relationship? Better than ever, even after finding out that sleeping with exes was actually written down in our contract which I wasn’t fully aware. When I became aware of that I decided to revise the contract and we changed it. Now, hopefully, there are no loopholes which can strike me again so unexpectadly and now, hopefully, we have grown past this, or manage to keep growing, since it’s not an open relationship anymore. And I feel safe with him, again. Sometimes less safe, but safe nevertheless. And I feel safe with me, too. This accident didn’t affect me the ways I thought it will. I was actually kinda baffled when I discovered feeling so calm about it. I can’t stand her though, or the thought of her having his dick inside of her, but that’s besides the point. I think I’m not meant to stand thoughts like these and this is no ones fault. Maybe I’m more monogamous than I thought.
But the working situation… Or the absence of this kind of situation. It drives me crazy.
Actually, there are times when I think I will never be okay again. That this is what I deserve for being egoistic narcissist. That this is all karma finding ways to kick me in the nuts. Over and over again.
And there are times when I think that of course all will be okay. That this time is meant for me to regroup myself, to find my inner peace again, to finish my book and to start studying again. These times win. Of course, there are battles. I battle with myself every day when I wake up. I battle to open my eyes and to log myself in to my email account. I battle to open Word, to send emails, to work. I battle every time my phone rings, and I battle when it doesn’t.
And of course, there are times when battles occur in our now-safe relationship (which I’m finally managing to call relationship after all since we live together, we talk, we love, we cry, we laugh, we have sex, we argue, we hug, we fall asleep and wake up together (okay, this is an overstatement since I always sleep heavily when he wakes up and occasionally throw annoyed remarks at him as he tries to awake me) ). But these are battles we can get over, I call them “polishing off our edges” or “growing battles”.
Just yesterday we were standing on the town square, kissing, and I thought: wow. Butterflies. He still gives me butterflies.
Now that’s something.
