of being happy
I’ve always considered myself pretty experienced in so many aspects of life. That’s why it is hard for me to confess to myself and others, that that’s so new to me. And it grinds my teeth, that whatta hell, why didn’t anybody tell me?! That there is something so magificent as love and that working relationship with someone can be so… fulfilling.
It really feels that everybody else knew and kept it from me.
So, in many levels it’s so disturbing. I hate to be the “younger” and “sillier” one. I really do. It’s always been me who leads and controls things. And now suddenly I’m not. Well, of course, I am a bit, it’s not like I’ve obeyed to slavery or anything. The feeling itself is so powerful and scary and I’m genuinely worried that I’ll lose myself. I’ve never felt like it before. It’s always been under my control and under my will.
So naturally I’m suspicious about stuff - relationship - if it makes me feel like that. If it’s so… Well, overwhelming. And, surprise-surprise! Everybody knew it should be like this and they say it’s okay. That it even has to be like that.
Well then don’t mind me asking - why the hell did you let me get married when it wasn’t like that with my life before? (Okay, I’m just being overly dramatic here, ’cause I know very well that no one couldn’t have stopped me last year if I had made up my mind already. It’s just here to prove a point.)
Of course, the thing, the main thing is that maybe I’m just really lucky. Pff, of course I am and I’m very well aware of that. Because during last few years I’ve been (if I might say so myself) happily in love twice, and it’s more than some person experiences in their lifetime. (And of course I’ve lost more in these two years that I would wish anyone.)
But it really surprises me. And sometimes I think how it was year ago, how different it was. I mean, besides everything else that was different - the feeling was so different. Not at all so overwhelming, not at all so all-powering, so all-consuming. It was a bit more all-destructing. And more… well, blind.
Still in a waiting mode. When will it wear off. Luckily I have live example that it may not wear off. (Yes, I’m talking about You, this time. I know you always think I write about you, so this time I am:) Even after three, five, eight or ten years. And if I include my late grandparents I might even make a conclusion that this feeling may not wear off even after 40 years.
But yes. I’m still waiting, in some way (I know it’s wrong, and I really don’t think or obsess about it every single minute, I swear!) for it to “blow over”, still waiting to see it’s maybe just a rebound relationship. Still waiting that maybe someone better (for him) comes along and he’ll understand that there are so many cute and interesting girls in the world who may deserve his close attention.
Okay, I have my obsessions and idèe fixe’s, yes, still. And I’m aware that they almost always sound a bit destructing, a bit schizophrenic, a bit out-of-this-world. And I’m working on them.
Yesterday i discussed with a friend of mine that I don’t know what it is with our generation (I’m not sure it’s actually a generation thing at all, but it sure seems like it). I almost know no one that likes to be simple and, most importantly, allows him- or herself to be simply happy, not dramatizing, overthinking, searching for troubles or assuming always the worst - just letting him- or herself be happy.
But it’s another topic. For now - I’m working on my ability just to be happy.
