you are devil’s foreplay

There are few things that really grind my teeth. Lately life’s been well, too good actually. But there are still those little things…

For example - my bus rides home. When I go to the city I am prepared for highly intensive day - and it usually rolls that way. I have to talk a lot, laugh a lot, write a lot, neverending blah blah blah ’cause everybody wants a piece of me. Waking up at 7 am is bad enough, riding two and half hours to the city, then all this… Finally, when I’m all done and I manage to escape to the bus station, I wait it like a bliss. Finally! Bus ride home, I can listen to music, shut up, switch off my phone (I hate talking in buses, it is so awkward and rude), just enjoy, relax… And then, oh, what do I see! A familiar face that doesn’t get the hint of me looking away, running to the bus, sitting down, putting my headphones on… Damned!

“Hi, is it you!? Going home? Oh, I think we share a bus!” (Translation: I can sit next to you and chat all the time.)
“Yes. Hi. Really nice to see you… But you see, I am very tired and…” (Translation: I WANT TO BE ALONE! Busride is my alone time!)
“Oh, that’s okay, I’m tired too.” (Translation ( not as you would expect: I will sleep all the way): But I will still sit next to you and yap two hours straight.)

Don’t get me wrong. I really love those people, they are nice and lovely and I do like to call them my acquaintances, but it is so hard to tell someone that you just want to be left alone for those precious two and a half hours. And I really do. Usually it’s my only alone-time I get these days. For real, I am not kidding. Fucking everybody wants a piece of me and then they are hurt when I ignore them because I just don’t have the time or the energy.

Example from life: everyone knew I had to get up 4am this morning for my other job. At this moment I have been up about 19 hours. I’m starting to lose it, but will someone let me be alone? Oh, no! I muted my phone and five minutes later (at 10 pm!!!) I noticed the red light flashing notifying that someone had tried to reach me. Okay, I thought. How bad could it be? Everyone knows I am trying to sleep by now. Right? Right?! If you wake up 4 am and have a day like I had today… you would be sleeping too, right? Right?

Wrong.

I had 6 missed calls (2 from each motherfucking person), 3 messages (2 of them yelling to me I should call - go to hell, I AM SLEEPING!!!).

Yes, I know. I have been very bad lately regarding to my cellphone. I just prefer to ignore it most of the times when I have something better to do. Like work or have personal life or work or sleep or move (my stuff from one place to another). And I mostly don’t call back. Do you get the hint? That I really wouldn’t like to talk to you?

It’s not that everybody calls me for social purposes. Like to call me out for a drink or share an occasional anecdote or two. No. They call, because they want me to do something. To be responsible, to organise, to plan, to find something out, to call someone to make them do stuff. I fucking hate that.

If I knew that you would call me not to confront me, or ask me difficult questions I do not have time to deal with at the moment; if I knew you would call me just to say hi, how are you doing… I would kindly answer. But most of the times you call me to bitch or force me to do stuff I don’t want to do (and you know as well as I know that it is not in my genetical code to say no, I am just not physically capable of doing so).

Energy vampires. Yes, that’s it. Nice persons, all in all, but sucking all the energy right away from me. I really do love you, but for Christ’s sake, let me be! Just a little bit! And please, pleeaaase consider that I do have a full time job, a part time job, very difficult personal life issues, very difficult living situation issues and I have few moments in that 24 hours that I would NOT, I repeat, NOT communicate in any way.

Not to take personally.

Sometimes, when there is too much pressure everything to be perfect - it isn’t. Actually, make that all the time. You expect that that only free night you have with yourself you go and have a bath, read some dirty magazines, drink some glasses of wine, get to bed early and have a good night’s sleep you haven’t had a log-long time… Your friends call you and you end up in suburbs in some kind of half-storeyed house, you don’t know how you got there and why there are long red ribbons tied in your hair.

It’s the same with relationships and yes, I know, who am I to talk or, yes, I know, I’m not being very original here, we’ve all seen it already in Sex & The City.

I remember that when Randy and I first hooked up we both didn’t want to have sex the first night. Yes, there was some kind of unexplainable attraction, we talked and laughed and fell in love, all in 24 hours time. I stayed over, we were too tired to get to bed and we just fell to the floor and slept there. Later, of course, we crawled into bed.

We didn’t want to sleep, just talk and kiss and watch each other in the eyes. Actually, when I think about it now, it kind of grosses me out. But I’m just being bitter here, I know.

And finally, we had sex. And yes, it was way to awkward to be… well, anything. Of course I didn’t come. How could I? He clearly didn’t know what he was doing and of course, there was this pressure: it has to be perfect!!! Because we were perfect!

And it wasn’t a very long time. I started training him and finally we got to a stage where it was fabulous. A little constrained because he was afraid to do anything wrong and I couldn’t relax because I felt like a bitch for thinking about myself too much. Yes, I’m selfish - and I told him the first night. But I can understand howcome he didn’t believe it or take it seriously before it was too late. Falling in love makes us all blind and we think we can conquer anything. Anything! Even that weird habbit eating straight from the pan.

Anyway, sex was in same stage amazing. First because I hadn’t almost never had sex with anyone I’d been in love with (and he’d be in love with me at the same time). So sex with feelings were a new thing for me.

Second because we got used to each other, felt more loose, got to know each other, it became familiar and… Very soon it became boring.

Like I said to a friend recently: that was one reason for my alcohol problems. I knew I had to have sex with my man but I really didn’t want to anymore. At the same time I really wanted a baby, so it was a pretty weird situation.

And very wrong too, as I can see now. Then I thought it was all about me, I’m being a bitch, I should try harder and everything will work out as long as I can get through with my books and everything.

Well, it didn’t. Obviously.

My point being.

It is very rare when sex ‘clicks’ the first time you two are in bed together. Usually there are some aspects that are more or less awkward, even funny. He may have obscure penis, for instance, or you may discover that your favorite position doesn’t work with him, it just slips out. It may be frustrating but usually it’s something you can get over with and almost every case can be successful if you are willing to put your mind to it. And some energy and resources also.

But then - it IS really frustrating when you know there are guys like The Man out there with whom you don’t have to work at all, it’s all perfect from first touch to morning coffee.

But yes, they are usually scumbags or taken or in a million way so wrong for you…

It’s the case of everlasting question - what is it about “bad boys” that make us want them? But that’s another story.

Belle De Jour says that there are two kinds of men, basically. There are those who cheat and those who lie about cheating.

I agree with her and I myself am not a really big believer in monogamy. It’s just… the bare thought of sleeping only with one person til the rest of your life is really creepy. And impossible to achieve. I have always said to my few boyfriends I have had: “You do whatever you like, just as long I don’t get to know about it. But if so happens and you fall in love with someone else and you want to wake up with someone else, then tell me and we’ll break up.”

I agree with Belle, but I also think there are two other types of men when you don’t consider their relationship status defining them. There is The Submissive (or The Boy) type. They are the ones who expect you to pay the rent, take care of the household, be the slut in bed and basically - be their mother in every aspect of your relationship. They can’t take care of themselves, but they’re cute and when they say: “But you do it better than me and I don’t want to mess up paying for electricity,” you do it. Randy was that type. And I know lots more.

There is The Man kind of men. I have had some encounters and every single time I get blown away. It’s their touch I guess. Mr MT was The Man. He put his hand on me and I melted. No, correction. I didn’t melt. I blacked out of this insane manical sense of power, thrill, pure essence of passion. I couldn’t move or think or say anything. All I wanted was him and that it will last forever. That insane feeling, being lost in some crazed hemisphere of passion.

The porblem with men like Mr MT is that they’re usually not right for you. They are forbidden, too strong to be in relationship with. They are too… hot, I guess. They’ll burn you if you let. But in small and rare dosages… I think every woman should have at least one The Man experience in their lives. Just to know what it’s like to get an orgasm purely by his hand touching your sholder. It may sound insane but I tell you. 24 hours with that kind of man and in the end you are so wired that every move he makes can send you flying. Again. About 29th time during that 24 hours.

But being with that kind of man is rally dangerous. You lose yourself completely and that’s why it’s bad. You can’t function properly. And it’s not love. It’s something else… Mr MT and me lasted about 8 months. Few dosages of him in a month kept me going and kept me also in his power not to end it. Fortunately I came to my senses when it was real possibility that we actually are going to be together, in a relationship. And that’s when I realisec I couldn’t. In any cost.

The Man is dangerous because the sex is so amazing starting day one. The Boy type is not at all so dangerous. Sex with that type is rarely mindblowing, and at first it’s clumsy and filled with lots of grunts, put-it-theres and did-you-came-alreadys.

And it rarely satisifies you. But with The Boy type there’s always possibility to train him to do what you want. And in the end it can be satisfining… But it’s not that. It never can be.

So, in the end there are two types. Those, to whom you surrender and love it and those, who surrender you.

Life and relationships can be defined by BDSM terms so easyly sometimes it’s spooky.

But sometimes I think about Mr MT and that crazy way he made me feel… And I miss that. Dispite my better judgment I really do.