you are devil’s foreplay

How do you call a relationship which is actually not a relationship? Well, it IS a relationship, of course it is, you can say I have relationship with my dentist, too. But I bullheadedly refuse to call it THE relationship, because, well, yeah. Look what happened last time. And there is this little thing that we’re not supposed to even be together (as all the signs would imply if i wasn’t so in love to notice them).

I was supposed to say next: but I don’t care and he makes me happy, but I can’t, not today. Last night Shane and others managed to make me feel like crap without even realizing it. Actually, they made me confused. What am I supposed to think now? On the other hand - no one is allowed to talk crap about my man, on the other hand - i remember how bad it was in the summer when suddenly everybody came clean, telling me how Randy was wrong from the beginning and how they knew it will end soon. I hated that no one told me before. That would’ve saved so much trouble, maybe.

Of course, there is that - I probably wouldn’t have listened to them. It would’ve just confused me… Like it did now.

I actually have to ask them again, sober, what they meant, but I can’t get to work before I think this through.

Upsides:
*we do have amazing sex starting day one
*he is funny and makes me laugh (altough i suspect he often didn’t mean to be funny)
*i can completly trust him
*he is strong and handsome and I really love to be in his arms
*he makes me happy

Downsides:
*it is too soon for both of us
*he can also be very pigheaded (like me)
*he is from the city and the hell, I will never go back there

Actually, that was a bad idea. I don’t want to think of the downsides. I’m pretty down right now already. And I hurt because I put too much weight yesterday and my muscles scream at me now (went to the gym after few weeks of break).

Okay, from the beginning. First, I want him to go out and see the world. Meaning women. Because I don’t want to tie him up - I know too well that I can be a perfect girlfriend but I can also be a very shitty wife. And it may sound lame, but I really want him to make best choice for him. And I don’t think it’s me.

Yeah, very alturistic, but I think it’s only because I’m so afraid of commitment at the moment. And I’m bruised fruit - crying for my lost baby twice a week, having real hard time sleeping properly, having weird freakouts and wanting sex too much (it’s just not normal anymore! And it’s not a pseudoproblem, no, no, no). Which brings me to the question, that maybe all we have is sex and that’s it. We’re not fuckbuddys (because fuckbuddys can’t have feelings for each other), but something… like that.

Overthinking. Yes.

But still. If I learned something from my last relationship it is that I love my freedom too much to let anybody control me the way Randy wanted to (but failed, of course). And I respect other persons freedom too, hence I don’t want to tie anybody down with me. Because sooner or later I become that awful wife who says things like “MY man” and “OUR home” and “I want children, pronto!” Actually, I can see the tendency occuring already. And although I’ve decided to be that kind of girlfriend (I’m not really his girlfriend, because there is no relationship) who doesn’t ask anything when the other doesn’t want to talk, who is not jealous or dropping the we-word too much… I kinda fail at it. Because as much as I love my freedom, I want to belong more. Be someone’s enfranchised wife, I want to have children (very soon because I can feel age settling in) and I do want to get married and all that and maybe I want it so much that I’m willing to try monogamous relationship once more.

So, yeah. Confused is the word to describe my state of mind. I’ve been divorced only two months, officially. My last relationship fell to pieces a little bit more than six months ago - which, by the rules of breakup, is exactly that time I need to get over it (rule: you need half of the time of the relationship lenght to get over it). I talked to Randy few days ago and he said he is completly indifferent towards me and it blew my mind. How can he be indifferent?! But that is another subject, my point being - he is still there, in me, and he influences me whether I want that or not.

And that’s creepy. Letting someone too close to you. He already is under my skin and it scares the hell out of me. But it’s moved to fast and… lotsof that other stuff.

I really need to get to work now.

I hate the thought of imprisoning someone so much.