you are devil’s foreplay

Watched Dharma & Greg. There was this episode where they went to relationship retreat. They were given two baskets. In one bastket there were stones. The other basket was empty. Their task was to put to the empty basket a “relationship stone” for every little thing that “the foundation of their relationship stands on”.

The relationship stones.

There were things like “put a stone in the basket for every common interest you have” (and oh yeah, sex doesn’t count!) or “put a stone for every petname you have for each other”.

Well, I kinda thought about it and yes - came to the obvious conclusion that we have no “stones”. (Yes I know it sounds dirty.)

If sex doesn’t count then…

We have no petnames.
We almost have no same interests. Yeah, we love to spend time together but we don’t actually share hobbies or anything. I don’t even have hobbies I’m afraid.
Sex doesn’t count.
We didn’t date and I’m afraid if we’d have, we wouldn’t have ended up together ’cause we’re too different.
I think we like… approx 1/2 of the same things. The other half - I really don’t know!

And for arguement’s sake - no, I will never have short hair, I will never wear serious military clothing (that sexy skirt that my sis has and has accidentally military pattern on it - that kind of thing is not in my mind whilst writing these lines). And military stuff humours me. A lot. Really. I think I’m not able to take it seriously. I mean… there are grown men, in uniforms, dancing, without music and screaming: “Sir, yes sir!” (equvialent of that phrase at least, seemed to me).

Oh, yes, there’s so much more in “military styff” thant all that, I know…

And yes, it makes me kinda horny when I see him serious and all that. Giving orders and wearing weird haycock on his head. (Yeah, I said haycock…) And I’m so proud of my smart geeky non-boyfriend when he gets the best exam score in his course and when he knows all that weird but cool stuff I don’t know.

But still!

But still…

Maybe it IS like L/N said… When love is gone, all you have left is a guy with all the different views to the world than you… And that’s that.

Ohwell.

Since… Well, since I do not believe in anything these days (even in that I’ll survive this freaking weekend and next week), then… I’m good to go.

As long as he takes me to gravel-pit to collect stones. After all that jibberish about “relationship stones”.

Now I have a garbage bag full of stones.

Relationship stones, if you wish.

How do you call a relationship which is actually not a relationship? Well, it IS a relationship, of course it is, you can say I have relationship with my dentist, too. But I bullheadedly refuse to call it THE relationship, because, well, yeah. Look what happened last time. And there is this little thing that we’re not supposed to even be together (as all the signs would imply if i wasn’t so in love to notice them).

I was supposed to say next: but I don’t care and he makes me happy, but I can’t, not today. Last night Shane and others managed to make me feel like crap without even realizing it. Actually, they made me confused. What am I supposed to think now? On the other hand - no one is allowed to talk crap about my man, on the other hand - i remember how bad it was in the summer when suddenly everybody came clean, telling me how Randy was wrong from the beginning and how they knew it will end soon. I hated that no one told me before. That would’ve saved so much trouble, maybe.

Of course, there is that - I probably wouldn’t have listened to them. It would’ve just confused me… Like it did now.

I actually have to ask them again, sober, what they meant, but I can’t get to work before I think this through.

Upsides:
*we do have amazing sex starting day one
*he is funny and makes me laugh (altough i suspect he often didn’t mean to be funny)
*i can completly trust him
*he is strong and handsome and I really love to be in his arms
*he makes me happy

Downsides:
*it is too soon for both of us
*he can also be very pigheaded (like me)
*he is from the city and the hell, I will never go back there

Actually, that was a bad idea. I don’t want to think of the downsides. I’m pretty down right now already. And I hurt because I put too much weight yesterday and my muscles scream at me now (went to the gym after few weeks of break).

Okay, from the beginning. First, I want him to go out and see the world. Meaning women. Because I don’t want to tie him up - I know too well that I can be a perfect girlfriend but I can also be a very shitty wife. And it may sound lame, but I really want him to make best choice for him. And I don’t think it’s me.

Yeah, very alturistic, but I think it’s only because I’m so afraid of commitment at the moment. And I’m bruised fruit - crying for my lost baby twice a week, having real hard time sleeping properly, having weird freakouts and wanting sex too much (it’s just not normal anymore! And it’s not a pseudoproblem, no, no, no). Which brings me to the question, that maybe all we have is sex and that’s it. We’re not fuckbuddys (because fuckbuddys can’t have feelings for each other), but something… like that.

Overthinking. Yes.

But still. If I learned something from my last relationship it is that I love my freedom too much to let anybody control me the way Randy wanted to (but failed, of course). And I respect other persons freedom too, hence I don’t want to tie anybody down with me. Because sooner or later I become that awful wife who says things like “MY man” and “OUR home” and “I want children, pronto!” Actually, I can see the tendency occuring already. And although I’ve decided to be that kind of girlfriend (I’m not really his girlfriend, because there is no relationship) who doesn’t ask anything when the other doesn’t want to talk, who is not jealous or dropping the we-word too much… I kinda fail at it. Because as much as I love my freedom, I want to belong more. Be someone’s enfranchised wife, I want to have children (very soon because I can feel age settling in) and I do want to get married and all that and maybe I want it so much that I’m willing to try monogamous relationship once more.

So, yeah. Confused is the word to describe my state of mind. I’ve been divorced only two months, officially. My last relationship fell to pieces a little bit more than six months ago - which, by the rules of breakup, is exactly that time I need to get over it (rule: you need half of the time of the relationship lenght to get over it). I talked to Randy few days ago and he said he is completly indifferent towards me and it blew my mind. How can he be indifferent?! But that is another subject, my point being - he is still there, in me, and he influences me whether I want that or not.

And that’s creepy. Letting someone too close to you. He already is under my skin and it scares the hell out of me. But it’s moved to fast and… lotsof that other stuff.

I really need to get to work now.

I hate the thought of imprisoning someone so much.