you are devil’s foreplay

All was well. We were already talking like civilized people. All was good. We had agreements. And then he just blew them off. Like it’s nothing.

Of course, yes, I know. Like I’ve said today way too many times - I should know better by now. I shouldn’t count on him. I should always expect the worst.

And of course, I should’ve thought about it more before marrying him.

REALLY?!?!

Yeah, fuck, I know, it’s all my fault. But I really hate being angry at him. We had some good times, right? After all, I really wanted to marry him… For some time. And I wanted babies with him.

And now… Now I already want it to be over. I want that I can start wanting those things again. I mean - it’s not gone. I still would like to get married (for real this time) and I want babies more than ever (crying about it every night and a getting bit tired of it already) but. But. It’s not okay for me to want it anymore. Or at least - not yet.

That’s twisted.

I mean…

Oh, I don’t know what do I mean. It’s not like when I would start new relationship I could take those wantings and wishes with me anymore. I just can’t because - I’m probably not ready, they would say. You are rushing with this, they would say. It will break just like it broke before. It will be over, again. It’s too soon, they would also say.

Yeah. I know. Everything passes. You fall in love - it’ll pass. You’ll hurt - it will pass also. You lose a baby, divorce, find yourself homeless and financially broke as hell - it will pass, right?

Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time. I would erase last year. And then… Then I’d have a clean start again. Wouldn’t that be nice?

/

I hate being… broke. Mentally, financially, phsycally… And that is what I am right now. I fucking can’t move my head, I owe so much money that I don’t even earn that much… and all this other stuff.

I don’t know. It was easier few weeks ago. Lately it’s been… harder. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s the divorce finalizing, maybe it’s the autumn. Maybe it’s the fact I have so much work and no time at all. Maybe it’s that I try to make so brave face all the time, not letting myself act it out, let it out of my system. Being “all okay” all the time can be tiring too…

It was easy before. Why isn’t it easy anymore?

Right now it’s more important to figure out from where I’ll get that fucking hundred kroons to get back home tomorrow evening from the city?

Phuck.