you are devil’s foreplay

Sometimes, when there is too much pressure everything to be perfect - it isn’t. Actually, make that all the time. You expect that that only free night you have with yourself you go and have a bath, read some dirty magazines, drink some glasses of wine, get to bed early and have a good night’s sleep you haven’t had a log-long time… Your friends call you and you end up in suburbs in some kind of half-storeyed house, you don’t know how you got there and why there are long red ribbons tied in your hair.

It’s the same with relationships and yes, I know, who am I to talk or, yes, I know, I’m not being very original here, we’ve all seen it already in Sex & The City.

I remember that when Randy and I first hooked up we both didn’t want to have sex the first night. Yes, there was some kind of unexplainable attraction, we talked and laughed and fell in love, all in 24 hours time. I stayed over, we were too tired to get to bed and we just fell to the floor and slept there. Later, of course, we crawled into bed.

We didn’t want to sleep, just talk and kiss and watch each other in the eyes. Actually, when I think about it now, it kind of grosses me out. But I’m just being bitter here, I know.

And finally, we had sex. And yes, it was way to awkward to be… well, anything. Of course I didn’t come. How could I? He clearly didn’t know what he was doing and of course, there was this pressure: it has to be perfect!!! Because we were perfect!

And it wasn’t a very long time. I started training him and finally we got to a stage where it was fabulous. A little constrained because he was afraid to do anything wrong and I couldn’t relax because I felt like a bitch for thinking about myself too much. Yes, I’m selfish - and I told him the first night. But I can understand howcome he didn’t believe it or take it seriously before it was too late. Falling in love makes us all blind and we think we can conquer anything. Anything! Even that weird habbit eating straight from the pan.

Anyway, sex was in same stage amazing. First because I hadn’t almost never had sex with anyone I’d been in love with (and he’d be in love with me at the same time). So sex with feelings were a new thing for me.

Second because we got used to each other, felt more loose, got to know each other, it became familiar and… Very soon it became boring.

Like I said to a friend recently: that was one reason for my alcohol problems. I knew I had to have sex with my man but I really didn’t want to anymore. At the same time I really wanted a baby, so it was a pretty weird situation.

And very wrong too, as I can see now. Then I thought it was all about me, I’m being a bitch, I should try harder and everything will work out as long as I can get through with my books and everything.

Well, it didn’t. Obviously.

My point being.

It is very rare when sex ‘clicks’ the first time you two are in bed together. Usually there are some aspects that are more or less awkward, even funny. He may have obscure penis, for instance, or you may discover that your favorite position doesn’t work with him, it just slips out. It may be frustrating but usually it’s something you can get over with and almost every case can be successful if you are willing to put your mind to it. And some energy and resources also.

But then - it IS really frustrating when you know there are guys like The Man out there with whom you don’t have to work at all, it’s all perfect from first touch to morning coffee.

But yes, they are usually scumbags or taken or in a million way so wrong for you…

It’s the case of everlasting question - what is it about “bad boys” that make us want them? But that’s another story.