you are devil's foreplay

This post is powered by "don't want pregnancy test post to be the last one in this blog".

List of things I've done lately:

• pushed a broken car in a thunder storm
• drank wine with friends
• done HJ in a hospital
• watched through all cherrytv.com archives and learned about sex
• been actually surprised that there are few things to learn
• told my man "I love you" more than hundred times
• tweeted a lot
• sexted
• tried to sleep at work, failed
• handed in my leaving notice at work
• found out that I'll be a married woman soon, again
• found out that there will be a proposal in near future
• re-evaluated some relationships in my life
• measured my blood pressure
• found ex-husband on Facebook
• were baffled by the last fact
• but not surprised he plays Mafia Wars
• re-arranged our bedroom, it has better feng shui now
• told my lesbian aunt that I'm bisexual

So. All of the last week and part of this I suspected I was pregnant. My period was late and mine is never late. Of course I bought a pregnancy test and couldn't wait to do it. And because I also needed a heavy party I decided that taking a pregnancy test in fucking woods is a brilliant idea.

Matter of fact, there's no difference where exactly you do your peeing. I did it in the woods, to a plastic cup, the kind I used later to drink gin and tonic from. And my friend was with me, drinking and smoking and talking about how she has a pregnancy-scare also.

Test was negative. And I partied. Hard. So hard that if I would've drunk texted that night it would've said something along the lines: "I just skinny-dipped with a bartender."

So, anyway. Test was negative but actually I wasn't very convinced. I have experience - they might not show an accurate result so early on. BUT I also have an experience that says that SOMETHING shows, a faint line, something. There was nothing. Negative, negative, negative.

But I still bought two more tests this Tuesday and discovered myself making plans to tell my boss that she can't put me in night-shifts anymore and picking out baby names.

And of course, my uterus, sweet thing that she is, saw that I had bought two (!) more tests and decided: "Hell, no! Let's show her, girls!" and unleashed the whole fury of period (and period pain) on me the next morning. No need for those tests, then.

But I also discovered that I was bloody upset about it. I think that 90% of me actually hoped that this second line will appear. That I was pregnant. And now I'm wallowing in misery because I really really wanted this to happen.

And there are very many reasons why it's not a good time yet. We still don't know what happens to us next spring when he graduates. I still don't have an actual paying job (this one is, I sincerely hope, temporary), I still have loads of debts, I still smoke, we have no financial security, I still have to take meds to stay like a functioning human being and yadayadayada.

But why can't I shake off this nagging feeling that it actually IS the right time?

And I don't know what to do about it or how to talk about it or...

And how do I know in the future that right time has come? There sure as hell will be no flaming letters in the sky saying. "Do it! Conceive now!"

I don't know what it is. Hormones? It sure isn't the pain of loss, anymore, of that I'm sure. It is deep desire to have kids with him and to start The Real Life already and to be something more, something much more meaningful that I am now.

But for now - no two blue lines for me.

Today, as I sat behind our kitchen table I had a vision of future. As I was filling out my coffee-mug I saw so clearly the way our daughter someday will make me coffee, it's Mother's Day morning and you and the kids bring me breakfast to bed.

And dog barks with joy and cats play and sun is shining and we are just happy.

Sometimes while driving or shopping or cooking dinner I think that there is nothing more sweet and overwhelmingly cute than the way we fall softly asleep, our legs tangled together, your hand over me, breathing and floating away.

But then there are other times when I think that there is nothing more sweet and overwhelmingly cute than the way you wake up, hold me, your warm body next to me and I smell you, you kiss me and whisper: "Honey, I love you... I'll go and make some coffee?"

These are the moments I never want to forget.

It is a well-known fact that in time, how matter good the couple is together, in time, the sex loses its primal magic. Don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong, we have sex almost every day, if possible, several times a day. But it is different from the times in the beginning, when you couldn't stand to be together in the same room without getting aroused.

Well, yesterday I had an epiphany in the form of ginger. I had had a lot of ginger tea - because of feeling sick - and yet, although I felt sick I could not take my hands off of him. Although it was kind of expected - he was away for a day, but still. I was acting out a bit too much on my primal urges. It was weird and nice at the same time.

Herbal teas and such had never worked on me before - well, to be honest, I am taking about 8 pills per day for my illness, so I never expected it to work, I never even planned it. But it bugged me and late at night while he was asleep I googled it and found that ginger is well-known aphrodisiac. It is warming (of course), increases the blood flow to your groin (heh, I said groin) and it blocks the enzyme phosphodiesterase, which leads to certain desirable vascular changes.

I was not surprised to read that it also works on your neural system and messes with your serotonin receptor.

So. Thanks to the snow and the winter we will be having a lot of tea and together time... Preferably tea with ginger...

It's common knowledge that almost always there is one participant of the relationship that loves more than the other. Well, I very well might be the more-loving-one, and I actually really don't care. Selfish reasons, really - it makes me feel good. It makes me feel really good to love someone that much. You see - selfish. Utterly selfish.

And, of course, the feeling that you're being loved back - there's nothing like it. Wonderful. See - selfish again. So my big promises about becoming less selfish person have not really come together yet.

Today, again, I had this mind-blowing sensation watching him march so proudly in front of all those uniformed men, standing so steadily next to flags, that, and I'm saying this being totally sober, I have never been so proud of anybody in my entire life.

And the other options, I mean, the ones I really don't want to talk about ('cause they're not the issue anymore), are not even close to that.

Okay, yeah, he's a bit weird, and totally nerdy sometimes, but he's my weirdo and nerd, you see.

And the little things. Ah, the little things. I love the little things. Our picnics and morning coffees and late night walks and this feeling you have when there's someone to push your back to at nights.

Sleeping issues are another topic, since I have this weird system how to manage all my dear ones in one bed. You put one Musi, one furry cat and one fat cat, and me, into one medium-sized bed, shake and stir, and you have a working cocktail of love. Easy, right?

I have never been happier in my life. Thank you for that.

I have never waited so much to get to bed with you, just to snuggle.

I never thought it was possible to feel that way after all this time.

And thank you for that dance today in our bedroom. It was... Well, yeah. As you said: "I understood a long time ago that you love me very much."

I do.

 (And actually, of course, I don't need a blog post to say that. I just felt the need to cry that out to the world. Just to cry out how happy I am. At this moment.)

I'm fully aware that I haven't been written in soooo long time, but it's okay while no one ever reads this blog anyway. But it's liberating to write anonymously and also I need to improve my English. And I have lot of things on my mind that I can't write nowhere else but here.

Yes, of course I could write them in Word and save them and just let them sit in my computer but I love blogging and I love things published.

Since last time I wrote there have happened major stuff in my life. Oh yes, it actually is so dramatic as it sounds. First of all, I almost killed myself. Accidentally, of course, if you are willing to consider drinking wine and mixing sleeping pills with it whilst looking at your wedding album with your wedding ring on your finger "accidental". But for me, of course, it wasn't meant to end up in all such tragedy, me losing conciousness and waking up in the hospidal. I was just angry and tired and wanted to go to sleep and I thought, heck, of course it is a good idea to look at my wedding album.

Pff!

And I have taken so many pills over the years that I thought, well, my body can manage that and anyway, it's all bull, what can a little wine do to you after few sleeping pills. Nothing, right?

But that's beside the point. It was awful coincidence and I'm sure the combination wasn't leathal (two sleeping pills and bottle of white) but it was scary as hell.

And now I have a therapist whom I visit once a month or so. And of course, after few talks he decided that indeed, I am bipolar as I was afraid, and so now I'm taking five-six pills a day for at least two years.

The upsides: I am more stable and I can sleep easily. The recovering process is still in the making but I feel better.

The downsides: as I decided to quit my job which was too stressful and find a new one I'm unemployed at the moment, which means I'm currently living on my boyfriends' expences, with no good job prospects whatsoever. Because I'm not willing to move to the City, I'm just not. And I'm not sure how long I can manage without actually having to explain to creditors why I still haven't paid them a dime.

The relationship? Better than ever, even after finding out that sleeping with exes was actually written down in our contract which I wasn't fully aware. When I became aware of that I decided to revise the contract and we changed it. Now, hopefully, there are no loopholes which can strike me again so unexpectadly and now, hopefully, we have grown past this, or manage to keep growing, since it's not an open relationship anymore. And I feel safe with him, again. Sometimes less safe, but safe nevertheless. And I feel safe with me, too. This accident didn't affect me the ways I thought it will. I was actually kinda baffled when I discovered feeling so calm about it. I can't stand her though, or the thought of her having his dick inside of her, but that's besides the point. I think I'm not meant to stand thoughts like these and this is no ones fault. Maybe I'm more monogamous than I thought.

But the working situation... Or the absence of this kind of situation. It drives me crazy.

Actually, there are times when I think I will never be okay again. That this is what I deserve for being egoistic narcissist. That this is all karma finding ways to kick me in the nuts. Over and over again.

And there are times when I think that of course all will be okay. That this time is meant for me to regroup myself, to find my inner peace again, to finish my book and to start studying again. These times win. Of course, there are battles. I battle with myself every day when I wake up. I battle to open my eyes and to log myself in to my email account. I battle to open Word, to send emails, to work. I battle every time my phone rings, and I battle when it doesn't.

And of course, there are times when battles occur in our now-safe relationship (which I'm finally managing to call relationship after all since we live together, we talk, we love, we cry, we laugh, we have sex, we argue, we hug, we fall asleep and wake up together (okay, this is an overstatement since I always sleep heavily when he wakes up and occasionally throw annoyed remarks at him as he tries to awake me) ). But these are battles we can get over, I call them "polishing off our edges" or "growing battles".

Just yesterday we were standing on the town square, kissing, and I thought: wow. Butterflies. He still gives me butterflies.

Now that's something.

Read and article from a magazine and found a nice thought, which by chance coincides with some vibes that have been recently in the air.

Since I don't want to tell you which magazine it was (ask me directly), I'm very poor translater (to English) and so on, I just make you a summary.

Everything is still good, still fixable, it unites and makes it all better if you and your partner can realize that there is love underneath. When you fight about love - no, not about, but because. All fights, all problems can be resolvable, if you fight because of love, not because lack of it.

And sometimes very sadly you may even forget in anger that there is love, but if you stop, breathe and look inside you - and love is there, it's all okay.

Important things are:
a) not to forget and therefore give up
b) that your partner also knows and aknowledges the fact
c) and that you both try to be better and smarter next time.

Yay, I just solved - thanks to that article and my own deep wisdom - all the relationship problems in the whole wide world. Hip-hip.

Lately I've been feeling that I'm just learning about on a big secret that all the world already knows. Except me. It's scary and funny at the same time.

I've always considered myself pretty experienced in so many aspects of life. That's why it is hard for me to confess to myself and others, that that's so new to me. And it grinds my teeth, that whatta hell, why didn't anybody tell me?! That there is something so magificent as love and that working relationship with someone can be so... fulfilling.

It really feels that everybody else knew and kept it from me.

So, in many levels it's so disturbing. I hate to be the "younger" and "sillier" one. I really do. It's always been me who leads and controls things. And now suddenly I'm not. Well, of course, I am a bit, it's not like I've obeyed to slavery or anything. The feeling itself is so powerful and scary and I'm genuinely worried that I'll lose myself. I've never felt like it before. It's always been under my control and under my will.

So naturally I'm suspicious about stuff - relationship - if it makes me feel like that. If it's so... Well, overwhelming. And, surprise-surprise! Everybody knew it should be like this and they say it's okay. That it even has to be like that.

Well then don't mind me asking - why the hell did you let me get married when it wasn't like that with my life before? (Okay, I'm just being overly dramatic here, 'cause I know very well that no one couldn't have stopped me last year if I had made up my mind already. It's just here to prove a point.)

Of course, the thing, the main thing is that maybe I'm just really lucky. Pff, of course I am and I'm very well aware of that. Because during last few years I've been (if I might say so myself) happily in love twice, and it's more than some person experiences in their lifetime. (And of course I've lost more in these two years that I would wish anyone.)

But it really surprises me. And sometimes I think how it was year ago, how different it was. I mean, besides everything else that was different - the feeling was so different. Not at all so overwhelming, not at all so all-powering, so all-consuming. It was a bit more all-destructing. And more... well, blind.

Still in a waiting mode. When will it wear off. Luckily I have live example that it may not wear off. (Yes, I'm talking about You, this time. I know you always think I write about you, so this time I am:) Even after three, five, eight or ten years. And if I include my late grandparents I might even make a conclusion that this feeling may not wear off even after 40 years.

But yes. I'm still waiting, in some way (I know it's wrong, and I really don't think or obsess about it every single minute, I swear!) for it to "blow over", still waiting to see it's maybe just a rebound relationship. Still waiting that maybe someone better (for him) comes along and he'll understand that there are so many cute and interesting girls in the world who may deserve his close attention.

Okay, I have my obsessions and idèe fixe's, yes, still. And I'm aware that they almost always sound a bit destructing, a bit schizophrenic, a bit out-of-this-world. And I'm working on them.

Yesterday i discussed with a friend of mine that I don't know what it is with our generation (I'm not sure it's actually a generation thing at all, but it sure seems like it). I almost know no one that likes to be simple and, most importantly, allows him- or herself to be simply happy, not dramatizing, overthinking, searching for troubles or assuming always the worst - just letting him- or herself be happy.

But it's another topic. For now - I'm working on my ability just to be happy.